Score: 4

"All right, who let a Turd get on the front page?"

submission: The Gayest Showdown

date: January 19, 2006

I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh at that once. Still, it's really not THAT funny. At least, not funny enough to warrant a front page post.

It tries to be somewhere between "enjoyably stupid" and "offensively immature", but in the end it's just dumb and annoying. It's the kind of gag Flash you view once, chuckle at once, and then never watch again.

Just...watch it yourself. You'll see.

Score: 3

"Yes, this IS Super Mario Revived..."

submission: Super Mario Revived

date: June 23, 2005

...if by 'revived' you mean 'Mario has the walking speed of a zombie'.

Seriously though, the pacing is so slow that it's downright painful to play. And since when does Mario die by jumping on a shell? Look, if you're going to turn easily killable enemies into one-hit deaths, at least give me a way to figure out by glance which enemies will kill me if I jump on them.

Furthermore, the collision detection doesn't work correctly in Bowser's Castle. Often times I will be an easily discernible distance away from a ball and chain, only to see my Mario die for no explicable reason.

Not that it matters, mind you. I mean, I have THIRTY LIVES to correct my mistakes, right? Jesus freaking Christ. I feel like this game is insulting my intelligence.

And to add insult to injury, the sound doesn't even loop correctly.

There was some serious potential here. The game looks good, and the platforming engine up to Bowser's Castle is solid. Shame it was squandered for this...whatever this is supposed to be.

It certainly isn't a Mario game, I'll say that much.

Score: 9

"Best. Superhero. EVER."

submission: Burnt Face Man 3

date: May 15, 2005

It's about time Burnt Face Man got his own site!

I can't tell what's funnier: hearing everyone waste their time calling Burnt Face Man stupid names like little kids, or watching Burnt Face Man actually try to *respond* to them.

"He's a dick."
"No, I am *not* a dick. But I *am* a-DICK-ted to crime...uhh...well...fighting it, that is."

I don't know why but those non-sequitur jokes left me giggling like an idiot.

Oh, and bonus points for the Mega Man parody. ANGRY MAAAAAN!

Score: 9

"Woah! It got a sequel!"

submission: The Life of a Ninja 2

date: May 15, 2005

Definitely wasn't expecting a sequel to this.

I kinda liked the first one better (this kind of humor works a little better in short doses), but II was still pretty awesome. Again, great usage of music, good pacing, and overall a genuinely cute (did I really just say that?) and funny video.

Oh, and nice homages, too. I was originally going to give this an 8 and vote 4, but then I decided to vote 5 and bump the score to a 9 just for the Benny Hill reference alone. That scene nearly had me in tears. You ROCK.

More, please.

Score: 7

"Not perfect, but not half bad, either."

submission: Naruto Dating Sim

date: May 15, 2005

To be honest, I was expecting much, MUCH worse. ("Naruto? In a dating sim? And for that matter, a *NEWGROUNDS* dating sim? Ugh...something inside me just died.") So this was a pleasant surprise. And I’m not even a big fan of Naruto in general. (Yes, I *like* the show to a certain point, and I recognize where its massive popularity came from, but it’s not a must-see in my book by any means.)

Despite your claim in the ending credits about you being a "perverted freak", your game is pretty tame compared to a lot of stuff on Newgrounds. I think it's because of the lack of slutty in-game dialogue, but it's also because you actually give the players the chance to get a feel for the characters, which means (a) they actually have some personality to speak of, and (b) people like me who have managed to actually *see* the original anime aren't caught off-guard by horrendously out-of-character moments.

And the personalities compliment the game nicely, too. For once in a Newgrounds dating sim, the right answer isn't the most obvious one that would take you about...oh, say, two seconds to guess. Example: Sasuke asks me why Kakashi wants to train him, I choose what I think is the obvious answer: "Because you're the strongest of us all", and he says in disgust, "You admit your failure too easily." That seems remarkably consistent with Sasuke's personality.

Okay, so the decisions aren't too terribly complex, questions do get repeated a bit, and you DO need some understanding of the original anime/manga to get the questions right the first time around, but nonetheless they do require you to think about what you should say. That's a lot more than you can say for most of the other NG dating sims I've played. Kudos.

Oh, and as ineffectual as it is on the gameplay, it is interesting to play the girl for once (my utter hatred of Sakura notwithstanding, that is).

That being said, I do have a few complaints.

For one, the interface seriously needs work. A lot of the buttons are aggravatingly hard to click on, and the "road sign" menu outright baffled me the first time I saw it.

I also would've liked to see a little more interactivity, particularly in the missions in Town Hall. I don't know if there's any way to unlock missions that are harder than D-racnk, but if the help menu says "Chakra and Strength help during missions", then I'm either missing something or...they just aren't there.

And then there's the artwork. You've captured the general proportions and design nicely, but without any shading or additional details, they just looked flat and unattractive. (The sex scenes in particular looked pretty bad.)

One more thing: the battle system needs a bit of re-implementation. Despite all the supposed complexities involved in "guessing" stats, in the end it really does just boil down to leveling up and overpowering your opponent, which is disappointing especially since there was some real potential for tactical combat here.

Putting those flaws aside, I enjoyed this. Yes, it follows the same formula that's been done to death on Newgrounds, but it was a refreshing take on the formula, and considering it was your first Flash submission, it was a nice (if uneven) one.

Looking forward to your future submissions.

Score: 8

"Slick."

submission: Reality Lost

date: December 13, 2004

If the trailer is any indication of what Nanoko Studios has planned for Reality Lost in the future (assuming that there are actual plans for Reality Lost and that those plans don't get cancelled or thrown into limbo indefinitely), we're in for one hell of a ride. The concept works perfectly for the elegant yet macabre environment the trailer sets up - I can't make any complaints about the originality of said concept just yet because the actual 'film' has yet to be released (and I've seen way too many movies whose trailers ended up doing absolutely nothing to prepare me for the film), but it seems to work with the setting. The trailer on its own merits was nicely done - it's not quite professional (it is ultimately a fast-paced trailer but boy, does it ever take its time getting there) but it's solid nonetheless.

However, I *do* have one thing to complain about. While the animation in the second half is fluid, the animation in the first half ranges from serviceable to outright disfigured. Note that I'm complaining not about art style but about consistency of art style, as there are several points where the character designs seem to go out of proportion. It doesn't help that the characters don't seem to move at the same speed as the clothing they're dressed in. This isn't too bad in the latter half, but in the former it's so glaringly obvious that it hinders the visual experience as a whole. (Such accounts for the discrepancy between my grades in 'style' and 'graphics'.)

If you don't believe me, take a close look at the scene in the very beginning where the girl is turning around. You'll see exactly what I'm talking about.

Inconsistent visuals aside, this is a great trailer that actually leaves me excited about the final product. If Nanoko Studios refines the character designs and animation while delivering on everything else, Reality Lost may turn out to be one of the best Flash films on Newgrounds.

And if Reality Lost is *not* completed...well, I'll always have this trailer to make me happy.

Score: 5

"AKA the Love Hina dating sim: Galaxy Angel patch"

submission: Galaxy Angel sim date RPG

date: December 1, 2004

I will never understand why this guy's dating simulations (if you can even call them that) are so popular and so well-loved. Not only is the script hopelessly inept and the gameplay gratingly repetitive, but all of them follow very similar formulas (with the possible exception of Azumanga Druglord).

When you compare this to the previously released Love Hina Sim Date RPG, it's almost exactly the same, right down to the tedious, Pokemon-esque battle system. I was hoping for a revamped system and I'm disappointed to see that this game adds very little (if anything at all) to the dating sim genre.

Let's skip the poorly written (and very rarely witty) dialogue, as that part should be more than obvious to anyone who's talked to the girls more than twice (seriously, who the hell says "Intelligence is the best"?!).

I'm also going to skip over his 'treatment' of the character's personalities - aside from the fact that I can't really argue such for Galaxy Angel, an anime whose characters are completely one-dimensional to begin with, I'd like to review this game on its own merits.

My main gripe is with the difficulty factor...or lack thereof.

Even on hard mode, this game is a joke. The battle system boils down to clicking the same button whose attack corresponds to your best stat until someone runs out of HP. The correct answers to the questions the girls ask you are so glaringly obvious that it's almost funny. Even the so-called dating system is a complete joke: answer the same questions in every single date while giving her items she likes, taking photos, and then watching the kiss scene go on for a month and a half. Then you get relationship points proportional to the amount of money you spent. Hooray for materialism!

Worst of all, the game is repetitive beyond all belief, which is the main reason why it's so easy. The following process will get any girl in the game: talk, mission, talk, mission, talk, buy items, talk, buy items, date, buy items, date, buy items, date, buy items, date, sex slaves ahoy! (Notice that I became thoroughly sick and tired of the missions after the second week or so.) If the game's dialogue was anywhere near competently written (or at least if the ending felt rewarding at all) I wouldn't have such a problem with this repetition; atmosphere can make or break these kind of games. But such is not the case here.

Aside from the endless repetition, there are the gaping holes in logic that the game presents. As a lesser example, after starting a fight with Vanilla late into the game (I wanted to raise my max HP one more time) and winning effortlessly, I took a look at the main menu.

My 'relationship with Vanilla' score had increased by about 10 points.

...

This is the only game I have ever played where picking fights with (and beating the living daylights out of) your girlfriend actually IMPROVES your relationship.

Am I supposed to find this funny? Because...well...it isn't. It's not because it's offensive (I enjoyed Team America World Police, for God's sake) but because it just further illustrates how insipid the game is as a whole.

Now, this game isn't completely devoid of redeeming qualities. As shallow as the game was, it did keep me seated until I played it through a few times. And I have to admit that Anthony's artwork has improved quite a bit. No complaints in the visuals department, that's for sure.

But when you get past the visuals, the game is downright shallow. Maybe the main programmer expects me to take this game at face value and accept it for what it is. And I'd have no problem with doing so...if it were any other genre. But if you're going to give me a character relationship game and expect me to take the game mechanics at face value, you'd better have some damn good characterization to back it up. And if you expect me to ignore the character relationships and just concentrate on the mechanics, then why am I even playing a relationship game in the first place???

What a mess.

Score: 9

"I have been assilimated."

submission: badger ver.1

date: December 13, 2003

As I write this review, the Badger vid has looped for ::gazes at clock:: about 20 minutes. Seriously. You've ensnared me that badly.

It's hard to explain. "Badger" contains such an ethereal allure that pinpointing what has kept me from hitting the gray X square in the upper right corner of the window to stop it.

Maybe it's because I can't stop bouncing to the music. Badger, despite its repetitive nature, has quite possibly the most catchy tune I've ever heard in any Flash vid.

Haven't seen the vid yet? Stop wasting your time with my review and go waste time with TheWeebl's video instead. I know that's what I'm gonna go do.

ENDNOTE: To badger means to harass and annoy persistently. Perhaps that symbolizes the nature of this repetitive (yet strangely enjoyable) video...yet, then again, I could be over-analyzing the whole damn thing.

Score: 3

"This is getting ridiculous..."

submission: Make-AJ-Lo

date: October 14, 2003

Okay. I've been trying to ignore this piece of crap ever since I've had the (dis)pleasure of playing it, but it's been on the front page for far too long.

As a matter of fact, out of all the Flash movies that were on the front page when the "Make A J-Lo" Flash game appeared on the front page, ALL of them except for Drag Racer V2 have been displaced.

And I must ask: why??? At the time of this review the score of Make A J-Lo has dropped from 2.07 (the first score I saw) to 1.52 (the score a of today). Why did they replace other high-quality Flash works like "Taco Man Hates Saddam" and "Rise of the Mushroom Kingdom" (both parts) while leaving this alone? Works that have had a consistently higher score, I might add? The premise of "Make A J-Lo" is so incomprehensibly idiotic that I'm not surprised it's received such a low score as of late.

Score: 2

"Well, he certainly got the "bad" part right."

submission: Windows Bad Emulator

date: October 4, 2003

All right, this is ridiculous. This whole "Copy-Windows-to-show-how bad it is" thing has been done many times before...and many times better, for that matter.

Let's face it; the general grudge against Microsoft is the only thing that kept NG from BLAMming this flash movie.

Want a good anti-Windows movie? Try "Windows HE" (also on NewGrounds).